Mending Bridges
by blue peanut m and m
Summary: John tries to clear the air with Sam, telling his youngest why he did what he did. Sequel to Being Cruel To Be Kind, and In The End It Didn't Really Matter. You might want to read those first if you haven't already.
1. Chapter 1

**Mending Bridges.**

**Summary. . . . . . . John tries to clear the air with Sam, telling his youngest why he did what he did. Sequel to Being Cruel To Be Kind, and In The End It Didn't Really Matter. You might want to read those two first if you haven't already. I've changed some of what happens in Dead Man's Blood so that it fits with the story.**

**Disclaimer. . . . . . Still Kripkies, I've only got them on loan.**

**A.N. . . . . . Sorry this one is so late coming, I had half written it down and lost the notebook I was using. Cleaning last week, guess what showed up? After some frantic finishing touches it's now complete. As always thanks for reading, catch you later, Peanut x**

They'd moved quickly from one grimy motel room to another after finding Daniel Elkin's cabin in tatters. As the dawn broke casting a brilliant reddish glow within their latest room, John watched his two sons sleeping, thoughts of how truly lucky he was racing through his mind.

He glanced at Dean, his eldest, his soldier. A battle hardened bruiser who killed first and asked questions later; a double of himself; a fighter who hid his thoughts and emotions deep behind a mask of cockiness and nonchalance; a mask that would only fall, very rarely, and reveal his true self around one person.

John turned to look at the other bed and the person sleeping there. Sam, his youngest, his scholar. A fighter with a conscience, demanding answers, solutions before weapons; a reluctant hunter who had lost so much in his short life; a hunter who's thoughts and emotions were worn with pride on his sleeve.

John had always thought that the two of them had nothing in common, that they were polar opposites, clashing heads about anything and everything. How little did he really know? How much had things changed this past year?

Almost as if sensing someone watching him Sam began stirring in his sleep, shifting from side to side, his long limbs dangling off the edge of the too small bed. He opened his eyes and sleepily began scouring the room, starting with his brother's bed. John felt a surge of pride wash over him as he watched his youngest make sure that Dean was there, that Dean was okay before sitting up and rubbing his sleep filled eyes; at least, John felt, he had done something right in his life. Over the past days he had noticed the deep bond that the two boys had. A bond that was once broken through malicious words and lashing fists, was now fixed again and stronger than ever.

Thinking back to that night brought back memories that John had long since hidden away, memories he wasn't sure he ever wanted to remember. How could he have been so stupid? Taking gossip as truth he had banished his son thinking he would be safe, when in hindsight keeping him near would have been the better, safer option. John watched as Sam stretched out the kinks in his body before ambling over to the small kitchenette and pouring himself a cup of coffee, watched as his youngest glanced once more Dean's way before reluctantly sitting down at the table John was sat at; a stifling silence descending and engulfing the room. John eventually spoke when the tension between them became unbearable.

"I came out to Palo Alto as soon as I heard, watched what was going on from afar."

Sam looked up at his father, tears brimming his eyes yet refusing to fall, his mouth clamped tightly closed.

"I wanted so badly to rush straight up to you, wanted so badly to be to be able to offer you the comfort you so needed, wanted so badly to whisk you away, to keep you from further harm, to turn back time. But I felt I'd lost all rights to come anywhere near to you. I'm so sorry, son. I'm so sorry I forced you into leaving, I'm so sorry I told you that you were no longer a part of our family, I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me most, I'm so sorry about Jessica. She was so much like your mother."

"Why Dad?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you push me away? What did I do that was so wrong? I just wanted a chance at a normal life, why did you hate me for that?"

John stood up at Sam's last words, walking around the table he crouched down beside him. Taking his sons face in his hands, he forced Sam to look at him. "Sam, believe me, I have never hated you. I've always wanted what's best for you, for both of you. I may have had a funny way of showing it, may have gone about it the wrong way, but I did what I did to keep you safe." John stopped Sam from protesting before adding. "Before you shut me out, before you disbelieve me, let me try and explain." John hoped, prayed that after he was done Sam wouldn't walk away. Still reluctant to give away the whole truth, he started. "I've known for a while that something was targeting out family, that something was targeting you. I thought that by sending you away from this life, away from hunting you would be safe. But I also knew that you would never leave us, that you would never leave Dean. I knew that the only way to get you to take that scholarship would be to back you into a corner so to speak, so I initiated the fight. I'm sorry that I hit you son, I'm sorry that I had to dupe you, I just wanted to keep you safe. I'm sorry that in the end it didn't really matter, I'm sorry that I failed you, just like I failed your Mother. Know one thing though Sam, I never stopped loving you. I never stopped worrying about you. I would come to visit you often. Would watch you from afar and see how happy you looked. I was always proud of what you achieved, I was always proud of you."

"You're right Dad, you did have a funny way of showing it. Proud of me! Loved me! You pushed me away like some unwanted puppy, pushed me away from the most important people in my life, pushed me into a world I would never truly fit into, a world that I was never fully happy in, a world where I desperately needed my families support and love; all because you had some crazy notion that it would keep me safe? Well at least you got that bit right, at least I was safe. But what about Jessica? If I'd never have gone to Stanford, if I'd never been pushed that way, she would still be alive. How do you think that makes me feel?" Sam paused before adding. "I need to get out of here. I can't listen to anymore of this, I'm sorry."

Getting up Sam rushed to his bed, taking off the sweats he had slept in he hurriedly pulled on the dirty jeans he had dropped last night. Grabbing his jacket he stormed to the door, his hand hovering over the handle as his Dad spoke again.

"Sam, son, I'm sorry. Don't hate me please. Don't leave like this."

"I don't hate you Dad, I never have. I love you, but I can't deal with this right now." With that he opened the door and stepped out.

John stood up from the crouch he had been in, tempted to go after Sam, to make sure he didn't do anything stupid. Choosing instead to give his youngest some space, he sat down in the chair Sam had just vacated, head bowed low, face resting in his hands. He jumped slightly when another voice spoke up.

"Don't worry, he'll come back. He just needs to cool down, to sort through and organize what he's just learnt."

"He hates me right now."

"Who Sam? Nah! He's just upset and lashing out. He wasn't lying when he said he loves you.

"I hope you're right about this son, because you and Sam were both right about something else. We are stronger together."

**A.N. . . . Hope that was okay for you? Will be back with some new chapters soon, Peanut x**


	2. Chapter 2

**Mending Bridges.**

**Summary. . . . . . John tries to clear the air with Sam, telling his youngest why he did what he did. Sequel to Being Cruel To Be Kind, and In The End It Didn't Really Matter. You might want to read those two first if you haven****'****t already. I****'****ve changed some of what happens in Dead Man****'****s Blood so that it fits with the story.**

**Disclaimer. . . . . . Still Kripkies, I only have them on loan.**

**A.N. . . . . . Due to a mistake of my own, and requests for just a little bit more, I have obliged. So here it is, I hope that as always you enjoy the read, catch you soon with an update to Caught Between A Rock And A Hard Place, Peanut x **

"I know that you're out there, you can come out of the shadows now!" Sam stated out loud, yet his eyes never left the lake he was sat on a bench in front of. The anger that had burned deep within him, had eased a little the minute that he had stormed from the room, yet unwilling to return straight away and say something he didn't mean and would no doubt regret, he had instead started walking. With no particular destination in mind he had found himself automatically putting one foot in front of the other and just moving. He didn't feel the chill that the still rising sun had yet to chase away; didn't feel the fine rain that seemed to soak him through, that had begun to fall; he just felt numb.

His mind must have known though what he required as, without any incidents, it had led him here, to a bench, in a quiet part of the towns park. He had spent the last two hours just sat there oblivious, to an untrained observer, to anything yet mindful of every movement, every sound. He'd sat there watching the pitter patter patterns that the gradually increasing rainfall had made as it hit the lakes surface; watching as the ripples that were created with each droplet that fell, feeling the rest of his anger drain at the same time.

He had stormed out of the room, for all intent and purpose, angry at his Father, but deep down he wondered if that were true; deep down he wondered if he was in actual fact, angry more with himself. It would be so easy, he knew, to blame his Dad for Jess' death, to state that his Dad's words had pushed him away, pushed him to Stanford, pushed him into Jess' oh so loving arms; but would that really be fair? It would be so easy to dump the guilt that he had been feeling straight onto his Dad's shoulders, but did he really have a right to do that? Yes John had hurt him, yes he had said words that did more damage than fists ever could, but in the end it was his own choice to pursue a relationship with Jess, it was his own need to be loved, to feel needed, wanted that kept him there.

He was the one that had lied to her every single day, the one that had kept things hidden from her, even though he knew the dangers that were out there. He was the one that had left her alone and defenceless. He was the one to blame for her death. The tears that had ceased started to fall again, tears for the shame and guilt he felt. He had always believed deep down that he was to blame yet not wanting to think he could have caused the girl he loved so dearly so much pain, he had refused to accept it wholly, lashing out at his Father it seemed was the release he needed to finally accept it. He startled slightly as footfalls crunched against dried up leaves behind him, yet didn't panic as the breeze brought forward a familiar mix of odours, the smell of gun oil, battered leather, and an aftershave long since out of style, yet still bought for the memories it brought forth.

"I'm sorry that I stormed out, I didn't mean to worry you. I just needed to think, to calm down, to start realising the truth."

"The truth? What do you mean?" John's gruff voice asked.

"I've refused to accept the truth since it happened Dad, refused to wholly acknowledge that Jess died because of me, that she died because of me, that she'd be alive and happy now if she hadn't met me. Sure I felt guilty, maybe even blamed myself, but not enough. I'm the cause of her death, me!"

"No Sam, you seriously can't believe that?"

"I can, and I do! I should have stayed out of her life, I should have walked away but I didn't I stayed because I craved the love she so willingly showed me. I could have saved her, but I just lay there paralyzed with fear. I'm a hunter Dad, I shouldn't have fears. I allowed Dean to pull me away, yet I should have tried, I should have fought, to save her."

"Sam believe me, I know, there would have been no way to save her, there was nothing you could have done."

"You're wrong!"

"How Sam? How am I wrong?"

"I had dreams for days, weeks that she was going to die. No, no, I know what you're going to say, that everyone has bad dreams, but these were real. She died exactly as I dreamt she would, pinned to the ceiling surrounded by flames. When Dean came for me I should have sent her away. I could have saved her, I should have saved her, either that or I should have died as well."

"Sam, please don't say that, don't think that. I know how you feel, I really do, but what would your death have achieved?"

"What did Jess' death achieve Dad? I should have died, I'd still be with her if I had. We would still be together, she wouldn't be alone."

"But Dean would have been! I would have been!"

"No you wouldn't have, you and Dean would have been together. You would have carried on, you would have survived."

"Do you really think that? Do you really think you mean so little to us? You're the reason we carried on all these years, you're the heart of this family Sam, the rock. If you would have died we would have crumbled. We proved that. Hell I pushed you away and in doing so alienated Dean, in the end we could barely stand being in the same room as each other, we had nothing to talk about but hunts, we didn't have you around to bring that normalcy to our lives. I truly am sorry for what I did Sam. I'm also really sorry about Jess, if I'd have known that yellow eyes would have targeted her, I would have tried to protect her. It wasn't your fault Sam, you only fell in love, followed your heart, found the normal life you craved, you can't blame yourself for wanting that. You can't blame yourself for Jess."

"It wasn't your fault either Dad, I shouldn't have lashed out at you the way I did, I shouldn't have said the things I said. You couldn't have predicted what would have happened."

"We make a right pair don't we? I guess would should join forces and hunt down the real culprit then? That is if you can stand to be around me?" John couldn't help the grin that spread across his face as Sam smiled for the first time that day, it was a smile that always reminded him of why they fought, that always reminded him of Mary. Putting his arm around Sam's shoulder he pulled his youngest son in for some much needed comfort, before whispering. "I do love you Sam, always have, always will."

Kissing the top of Sam's head he let his eyes roam to the lake and relished in the closeness of his son, a closeness that he hadn't often shown, a closeness that had been greatly missed. Breaking the silence that had fallen between them after a few minutes he spoke. "What do you say we head back? I told Dean I was heading out for breakfast, he's probably chewing his way through the carpet by now."

Standing up he extended his hand to help Sam rise before heading back towards the motel, happy in the knowledge that his small family had started to mend their bridges once more.

**A.N. . . . . . Hope that it was okay, catch you later, Peanut x**


End file.
